Wild Soul Journal

When the demons become unmasked, you may feel you are going mad or doing something wrong, but in fact you have finally begun to face the forces that keep you from living in a loving and fully conscious way.

–Jack Kornfield, A Path with Heart

With a couple marriages under my belt and a few “true loves” now gone, I’ve said to myself, “I am just not suited to a committed relationship.” The easiest person to love was the one who just danced along the perimeter of my heart, opening once in a while to shine his light, but never long enough to make me feel anxious. The one man I never fell out of love with didn’t lean on me emotionally or tell me he needed me. He was an island I would visit with only my best qualities on display. He had no interest in my shadow side. I thoutht, “Why would he?” So I had the pleasure of never having to feel it. Almost never. Every six months or so a rage would emerge that scared both of us. I responded by trying to tuck myself in even tighter.

After that relationship ended I decided that I would discover the parts of me still hidden in the shadows. Trying to be the perfect partner was clealry not the road to Love. So, I sent out a prayer: Send me someone with whom I can share unihibited exploration of self and other, so that we might reveal what needs healing and celebrate our true natures.

And he arrived with what seems like x-ray vision, noticing when I pretend or swallow words. Noticing when my heart heardens in fear. After much anxiety I found the courage to just show up. Allowing the Annie who is angry, afraid, or insecure has been the hardest thing I have ever done with a partner. But I realized, “How can we heal parts of ourselves that are hidden?” So, I decided to trust the process. These revealed aspects of me seem to have the maturity of a 2-year old, (probably because that was the age they were first tucked away.) But as I learn to relax and open they are starting to become integrated into the light of my being.

John Calvi wrote, “Surrending to love is the hardest damn work I have ever done.” And I still wonder if I am suited to committed relationship and I sometimes day-dream of running off to a monastary, but the change in me ithat this process has catalyzed is evident. A young friend of mine described it as “really grounded.” It feels good.

I believe in love and I believe that committed partnership is part of my path.
It’s where my hardest lessons have arrived and where I have done the greatest
healing. I don’t beleive that this is true for everyone. For some, the richest
lessons come while travelling solo. I invite those people to send me thoughts
on their journey so we add them to this conversation.. (submissions@soulflares.org)

For a long time I have wanted to write down some of the lessons I have learned
through partnership.Please add your own.

Number 1: Love without expectation of return. Give Love as you would
an offering.

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get—only what you are expecting to give—which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and cannot help giving. If you are very lucky, you may get loved back. That is delicious, but it does not necessarily happen.

Katherine Hepburn

Thanks to Disney World, I grew up with a particular idea of what "true
love" would look like and assumed my partner would share that. It included
a partner would reassure me when I felt insecure; who would promise to stick
with me in hard times. But my second husband gave me what he had the capacity
to give and couldn’t pretend to give more. He couldn’t pretend period. If 
he needed to be alone he went off by himself. If he needed quiet he asked for
quiet. It didn’t really matter what romantic ideal I held. I had to accept him
the way he was or leave. Over the years his willingness and capacity to meet
me with what I needed grew, but not until I let go of my expectations. He helped
me with this by saying, "You have to be here with me because you want to
be here. Not because of what you hope I will become. I cannot make any promises."
As a result, I learned to love with fewer expectations. And I learned to love
as a practice, as an offering to something greater.

Can you love without promises or commitment? Can you love without reassurances,
without a safety net? In the beginning I couldn’t. I went to him again and again
to be reassured and to have my worries assuaged. But when he responded by asking
me to find someone else or accept what he had to give, I had to ask Spirit for
help. And Spirit responded. My capacity to Love grew ten fold.

Number 2: Do not expect men to speak the same language. (Warning:
I make broad gender generalizations.)

In general, women are raised to be adept at the language of emotions. A little
girl holds a doll and asks it "How do you feel?" We are at ease
talking about how we feel. We talk to eachother about how we feel without any
particular objective, but just to share. When a boy gets dumped or has trouble
with a girlfriend he doesn’t jump on the phone to tell his buddy how he is feeling.
But girls will spend hours crying together over a broken heart. I think one
of the biggest problems that arises between men and women is that men are suddenly asked to talk in a language that they don’t know. If or when they do try to
talk in the realm of relationship and emotions they quickly feel out-talked
and overwhelmed. In my relationship, I realized that I expected him to effortlessly
join me in my world. Over time I learned how to use words he could hear. Things
work a lot better when  a woman lets a man know the objective of the conversation and what she needs from him. I think men have a hard time listening when they don’t know what is being asked of them or what the point is. If they don’t think there is anything they can do to help they will feel discouraged. So I am now clear up front. I will say, “I need 15 minutes from you to just listen to how I am feeling. There is nothing you have to do.”

Number 3: Be conscious about what you want to bring to your relationship.

I used to think that love wasn’t love unless your partner accepted all of you—no matter what you brought to him. I thought that if I couldn’t be completely myself with my partner than it wasn’t a good relationship. I’ve come to beleive that while being myself with my partner is important, what is more important is that I am conscious about what I bring to the relationship. Too often we are nice to everyone else during a hectic day only to unload on our unsuspecting partner. I learned that relationships are deserving of thoughtful consideration, to be treated like a jewel. Now, when I get to the door of our house I check in with myself: "How do I feel?" If  I am feeling stressed I ask myself, "What would be the best way to alleviate my stress—a walk in the woods alone; some time with a girlfriend?" Usually, just asking that question brings me back.to a more loving place. It’s even better if you can do this process an hour before you are too meet your loved one. Check in with yourself and then imagine yourself greeting your partner in the way you would like—with love and gentleness.

Number 4: Talk about what purpose you each want the relationship to serve.

Just 50 years ago when two people got married it was pretty much assumed that
the purpose was to buy a house, have kids, and grow old together. Today, there
are many reasons two people might commit. For Rod and me it was for the purpose
of furthering the mission of Heron Dance—a creative partnership. My current
partner and I have committed to share and support each other on our spiritual
paths. To enter into commitment without being really honest about what you want
long-term is a mistake. We have to ask the hard questions early on.

Joseph Campbell wrote:

The whole thing in marriage is the relationship and yielding. Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair has to do with immediate personal satisfaction. Marriage is an ordeal; it means yielding, time and again. That’s why it is a sacrament: you give up your personal simplicity to participate. And you are not giving to the other person; you are giving to the relationship. Because you are not giving to the other person, it is not impoverishing — it is life building, life fostering, enriching.
… The beautiful thing is the growing: each helping the other to flower. We often want to freeze the other person, but you can’t have that and love too.

This is one view. What is your partner’s view? What is yours?

Number 5: Go to bed angry.

I think one of the worst bits of advice for couples is: Never go to bed angry.
Anger and fighting is the expression of the ego not the soul. I for one, do
not beleive you can solve a problem created by the ego with the ego. Ego is
stubborn. I have spent too many night talking in circles. In his book Soul
Mates, Thomas Moore reminds us that when it comes to love we need to access the soul’s intelligence. He recommends that we give over our disagreements to the soul, to allow it to ruminate there and come back to it later. What I learned is that there is a time for everything and the soul knows when the right time is to bring up an issue. It take faith. We are used to using our intellects to solve everything. Unfortunately, our intellects are better at building evidence to support our case than to be compassionate to the other’s feelings. We forget we have more intelligences. I would wait three days before I talked about something that was bothering me. Usually, the issue would just dissolve. Other times, the time allowed me to see more of the issue and come at it more open and loving.

Out beyond ideas of
wrong-doing & right-doing
There is a field
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
The world is too full to talk about.

Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Number 6:  Look for the third way to arise.

Whenever my partner and I come to an impasse I say, "We are intelligent,
creative people. We can create a solution here." And then we remind each
other to look for what we call the third way. Not my way, not his way, but a
third way of approaching what feels like an immoveable obstacle. But the third
way does not arise until we have let go of what we think relationship "should" look like. We have to embody the energy of "not knowing" of expectency, openness, and curiosity and access a different intelligence—our hearts.

Most people have non-negotiables in relationship. Non-negotiables make the
third way difficult to access. But if they are clear from the start then exchanges
can be made. When Rod told me he had to live alone I said I couldn’t do that.
But I decided to give myself more credit, to try it despite my fears. What happned
was that I really loved it and disovered the joys of spending time with myself. 

Number 7: Remember that your partner is always changing, always evolving.
You can never completely KNOW them.

Sam Keen, author of Fire in the Belly, has said some very wise things
about relationship. One of the best: When we say, "I know you" we
put our partner and our relationshp in a box. We don’t know ourselves, how can
we claim to know the depth and mystery of another human? I think one of the
reasons relationships fail is that we think we know our partner so we do not
ask for what we need. "He would never allow that" we think. Never
underestimate your partner’s capacity to change, to give, to allow for the sake
of love. A reader of Soul Flares has been married for over 40 years.
One day she told her husband, "I am not happy in this relationship."
And then she asked him if he would meet with her over a lit candle once a week
to share how they are feeling. She was afraid he would think it was silly. Turns
out, he loves it and reminds her about it. This is an all too common exchange
among partners. One person says, "I am going to run a marathon." The
other says, "You can’t run a marathon. Remember how many times you’ve started to run and quit? You don’t have the discipline."  We must always,
always, believe in each other’s limitless potential. Let your partner surprise
you.

Number 8: Just because we love someone doesn’t mean they will trust us.

In my second marriage, I worked to be the ideal partner. My goal was to love
selflessly, to be loyal, and to never lie—all the things I was unable
to offer my first husband. What I expected from my second husband in return
was that he trust me. So when he questioned my integrity every once in a while,
I would lose my s*&$!.  I was indignant. "How could he not trust
me? What do I have to do? Put my body on the tracks?"  But he never
promised that if I loved him he would trust me. My anger and indignance did
not take into account his past experiences that had left him so guarded. And
although he often reminded me that he trusted me more than any other partner
he had had, I was not satisfied and my dissapointment played a large role in
his leaving the marriage.

Number 9: Love yourself the way that you want to be loved by others.

I have known for as long as I can remember that you must love yourself before
you can love anyone else. But living that has proven a lot more difficult than
simply knowing it. I entered my third committed relationship with a lot to learn
about how to love myself while in a partnership. Despite my successes, my self
confidence, and strength in other parts of my life, I had always felt afraid
of asking for what I needed in relationship. At 42 years old, with two marriages
behind me, I realized it was time to put aside my fears and put my own health,
my own needs first. Jangchub, my current partner, is my greatest ally in this
quest. He reminds me to take care of myself and his commitment allows me to
fearlessly ask for what I need.

…Spend time in that inner space befriending the invisible director that
guides your life. Trust it today. Allow it to function in the loving way that
it wants to. Go with what it directs you to do, trusting that your life is
on purpose and that you will not be misguided, the more you will commune in
the peaceful, harmonious world of real magic.

Dr.Wayne Dyer

Number 10: Be fearless.

Everytime we open our hearts fearlessly we expand our capacity to love—a
capacity we carry with us even if the relationship ends.

I’ll end this with one of my favorite quotes on love. Please send yours (submissions@soulflares.org)

I was lying in bed one day, thinking about my death, wondering if I’d
be conscious enough to talk to my children, what I’d want to leave to
them; famous last words, as it were.

The key word is trust. Trust everything that happens in life, even those experiences
that cause pain will serve to better you in the end. It’s easy to lose
the inner vision, the greater truths, in the face of tragedy. There really
is no such thing as suffering simply for the sake of suffering. Along with
developing a basic trust in the rhyme and reason of life itself, I advise
you to trust your intuition. It is a far better guide in the long run than
your intellect.

Next on my list is to learn what love is. It is complete and utter surrender.
That’s a big word, surrender. It doesn’t mean letting people walk
all over you, take advantage of you. It’s when we surrender control,
let go of our egos, that all the love in the world is there waiting for us.
Love is not a game, it’s a state of being.

Henry Miller, from Reflections, edited by Twinka Thiebault

Some people seem to have a single-minded purpose and a way to express it that is clean and clear enough to carry them through their whole life. I am not one of those people. I have wandered all over my purpose trying to find the best way to offer my gifts. By far, my role at Heron Dance was the most important and life-changing position I have had. I remember when I was contemplating whether or not I should give up a secure job to join Heron Dance, which had only 5,000 readers. The answer I got back was clear: I should give my whole heart to it, but their would be no guarentees, no security..I would have to look at it all as learning or not enter into it. Over the years I lost that light hold on things and became firmly attached to one outcome: that I would work with Rod at Heron Dance until the end of my days. It was to be my last job. So, when I was asked to move on, I was faced with the challenge of re-creating myself, or more appropriately, find myself for the first time. Soul Flares was essentially born out of my grief. Continuing to write, lead workshops, and utilize everything I had learned at Heron Dance was essential to my mental health.

During the last few months I have been thinking a great deal about the future of Soul Flares. The future does not consist of me running Soul Flares alone from behind this computer screen with a few workshops sprinkled throughout the year. It is a future where the “me” becomes a “we” as we build a physical center and community from which to do this work. It has has been a dream of mine for 8 years, one that won’t relent. And here in Plainfield Vermont, I have begun to meet the people and gather the resources to make that happen.

There are three very different inspirations for this vision.

The first is Pacem in Terris, the little oasis created in Warsaw New York by Frederick Franck and his wife Claske. Occupying a refurbished mill and a few acres, they created a powerful expression of art and life. Beautiful but wild gardens lead visitors towards Frederick’s sculptures. The mill itself houses a small theatre where every week beautiful music is played. The space they made was transformative in the way it mixed beauty created by nature with beauty created by humans. Visiting Pacem in Terris planted a seed: I wanted to someday create a place where people’s hearts are broken open by quiet beauty and art.

The second inspiration came from Michael Shaw who was on the board of Heron Dance for several years. Through him I learned about Findhorn, an organization in Scotland he had been involved in from it’s first days. The Findhorn Foundation in Scotland—spiritual community, ecovillage, and education centre—is one of the few “communes” to evolve into a successful, vital organization and community. It has much to teach us.

My third inspiration is right here at Maplehill Community Farm. (website is not finished yet!) The farm consists of a dorm with seven bedrooms, a hay barn, greenhouse, sugar house and 140 acres. It used to be a residential program for teenage girls. But after state funding for that was cut, it has been a sort of half-way house for seeker’s needing healing. In exchange for doing farm chores, people have stayed here who need a refuge. I came here a little lost and fearful, having unsuccessfully tried to find work that would pay the rent in a the county where my kids live. I was only here for a few weeks before I felt the healing power of working on the land and tending the animals. I felt my Self come back and soon opportunities began to arise for me and for Soul Flares. Living so closely to nature has provided me with the healing I needed to move into the second half of my life.Living here has also opened me to the real need for educating people on how to live in harmony with the land.

The planning process for a Soul Flares center for spiritual community, eco-education, and creative expression will take 2 -5 years. If you want to be kept up to date on this process, are considering investing in this project, and/or would like to be part of the physical community we build please email me at annie@soulflares.org.

“The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.”
Thucydides

Many, if not most, men and women in their 40s and 50s are feeling the panic of confinement. By this time in their career they have made their way to a management position with many people directly or tangentially dependent upon them for their own livelihood. They have children who “need” ipods, cars, laptops, and as little contact with parents as possible. They have a spouse who seems a bit faded and jaded by the daily grind of work, cook, clean, TV and bed. They have car payments, and college savings payments, health insurance and orthodontics’ bills. They have a mortgage that demands two salaries to meet and property taxes that keep rising. They plan and save for the annual family vacation, but even that is filled with schedules, airplane travel, and disappointed expectations.

In this way, many, if not most men and women in their 40s and 50s crave freedom.

They daydream about waking up and having nothing to do and no one to answer to. In this free world they putter about the house and nap when they need to nap, they go for walks with their dog unleashed and free to chase the seagulls it will never catch. And in this daydream a lover usually appears who wants nothing but a few moments in our day to exchange pure physical pleasure, someone with whom they can ask for whatever they want without shame or fear. They want a lot of things. Their hunger is deep and scratches inside.

But they work their way out of this aching place by imaging the extreme opposite. What would total freedom mean? It would mean uncertainty and insecurity. Nothing would be solid. Nothing tangible could be counted on. The felt sense would most likely be terror.

And, indeed, there is terror in greeting freedom with open arms. It has no boundaries to lean against or edges to fence around. It is fluid and open and limitless, qualities the human ego cannot abide by. And so, for those few who have prayed for freedom and work towards it, know this: there is nothing so terrifying as sailing without the rudder of ego guiding us into safe and safer ports. And.. There is nothing as beautiful than to feel ourselves held and supported by something way larger than our ego can possibly conceive. It not only requires losing the rudder, it requires stepping out of the boat altogether.

I left my first marriage when my kids were 31/2 and 51/2. I left a neat three-bedroom condominium in a sweet neighborhood where the few women who stayed home with their kids gathered on the curb to talk about beings moms and wives. We weren’t wealthy relative to the people building McMansions nearby, but we did well enough to allow me to be home with the kids. My husband, Nick, was the regional sales manager for a national climbing equipment company. He was kind, tolerant, helpful, and hardworking. We shared a love of climbing and fishing and our two kids. From the outside, from an objective perspective, there was no reason for me to leave.

I married Nick as the woman I wanted to be, not the woman I was. That woman was determined to be quiet, contented, peaceful and happy to live life in relative security and ease. I thought if I married someone who epitomized that, I could become that. As it was, all I knew was that no matter what I tried during our 10-year marriage, I could not overcome the sense that I had married the wrong man and was living the wrong life. Despite my efforts to be different, I could not suppress the feeling that a bigger life was going on somewhere else without me. I wanted to come up against something or someone big. Now I know that I was craving the intensity of emotion and experience that made me feel alive; without it, I felt that I was wasting my life. It is the particular path of the Four type on the Enneagram - the "tragic romantic." If I had had that awareness back then I might have been able to navigate the journey with Nick using commitment and total honesty, But, at the time, all I knew was that there was something unique and creative in me needing to be born and the ationship with Nick did not foster that. I did not like who I was in the relationship: dominant, lazy, restless and dishonest. I wanted to be "in love" and swept away by my relationship and my life. I wanted to be the special "me" that I thought I could be. Words cannot convey the urgency of my leaving. I burnt the bridge going out.

Becoming "me" has occupied the last 12 years of my lives. A large part of it has been a race to stay ahead of melancholy and the bottomless sensation that I might waste my life.For me, a Four, my second husband Rod and the work we did together, was a perfect antidote. He was intense, creative, solitary, and strong, Around him, I felt more alive than I ever had. The work we did together demanded all of my creative potential. Every day was an intense combination of hard work, creative expression, and a powerful love affair. The relationship and Heron Dance were so demanding that there was no space for melancholy. I was "happy" for 8 years. But that happiness was based in a "story" that featured me in a role I could not sustain. With Rod I had fashioned myself to be the selfless supporter, the perfect partner to his moody genius. I was indispensable, helpful, loving, and patient. Finally, I felt that I had become the character I wanted to be. But I see now that I had found a role that suited my personality’s need for intensity and I was willing to do anything to sustain it. It was a difficult role to maintain. Being the perfect partner required a huge amount of effort and over the years the wear began to show. Most significantly the strain was expressed in a few explosive outbursts of anger and a growing sense of disappointment—my dream life was not following the script I had written.

In exploring this with a healer I discovered the Enneagram, an ancient Sufi symbol used today as a tool for transformation. Through my work with him, I recognized myself as a Four and how I had fashioned my life to become the tragic heroine of my own  novel. It felt as if the "gig was up" and the entire workings of my personality were revealed. I could see how I constantly  worked to be seen as special and unique, forced my life to follow the intense and romantic story in my head, created intensity and drama if life began to feel too "normal," pushed myself to the limit in order to fulfill my potential; felt afraid of being exposed as a poser. All these things were ways that my personality was protecting itself from feeling a deeper loss. My work was to inquire into that loss and learn to just "be." That inquiry led me to becoming more honest and less likely to play the role that I had created for myself. it led me to coming in contact with my inner guidance which asked emphatically for a slower pace, a quieter life more closely connected to my own rhythms and those of the natural world. This led to tension in my work relationship with Rod, which spilled over into our personal relationship. Our relationship ended two years after. I was no longer the "perfect partner" but I was on my way to learning about my own innate perfection. I regret that there was not the space for me to work through that profound shift, but I recognize how difficult it was for my husband to deal with my process while he was so focused on keeping Heron Dance going.

November of 2006,  I wrote my last "Pause for Beauty," the weekly email I had been writing with Rod for four years. Together we had built an email readership from 3000 to 24,000. Rod wanted to remove the personal letter believing that no one wanted to hear about our struggles or fears. Losing the weekly connection with the Heron Dance community was a more difficult loss than I could have predicted. Four months later I left Heron Dance altogether. Rod had always said we would continue to work together even if we broke up, but I could feel Rod’s growing need to fly solo and my own growing resistance to the intensity and pace of the work so I offered to leave Heron Dance.

To be continued…

With thanks to my time at Heron Dance, I post this issue of A Pause for Beauty that I wrote four years ago:

I have not yet swum in the star dark sea and seen the shining path of the full moon rising from under the surface. I would imagine that it is as lovely as the day sun shining through the silver mirrored blue. We have been taught that night is a time of fear and danger, and this notion still holds me in its hands, so I have not yet gone into the night sea. But I have gone swimming in a pelting rain and watched the gray mist above turn into a sequined ceiling as the big drops spatter the surface and return to the sea.
Joan McIntyre, The Delicate Art of Whale Watching

To live a contemplative life is to be open enough to see, free enough to hear, real enough to respond. It is a life, and so it has its own rhythms of darkness, of dying-rising. Simply enough, it is a life of grateful receptivity, of wordless awe, of silent simplicity.
S. Marie Baha, with thanks to Friends of Silence

Dear Heron Dancers,

I have often said the words, “I am too soft for this hard world,” before turning off the news in disgust and sadness and turning my mind towards daydreams of mountain streams and dark, fragrant pine glens. When exposed to the harsh realities of the world, I recoil, afraid that they will engulf my light; it is a physical fear. But, I do not want to be the ostrich with my head in the sand or skip along singing my little song while Rome burns. It does not feel good to go into hiding.

The question I have been asking myself lately is: How can I stay completely present to this world – the light and the dark — while still keeping an open loving heart?

I have heard a cynic defined as a disappointed idealist. When I hear myself mutter, curse and complain following the news, I think of that definition and pull myself up by the collar. Who ever promised me the world would be perfect? I need to set a different course by reminding myself that mankind has always been flawed, has always committed atrocities at home and abroad — and Love and light continued to exist anyway.

The news should simply inspire me to be extra loving and tender. It should remind me to do what I can to sway the scales towards Love instead of backsliding into apathy and despair and fear. The media can make it easy to forget the light created by the millions of loving gentle souls who do exist. Good news doesn’t get much press.

Today I resolve to balance every dose of darkness I receive with an equal, if not greater, dose of light. I’ll dose up on the beauty of nature, the tender touch given, the kind deed done, beautiful soul-stirring music, and my love for Heron Dance. I resolve to check the balance daily and provide myself with the silence and solitude I need to maintain it. Because, I truly believe it does matter what energy we put out into the world.

In celebration of the Gift of Life,

Ann

This fall, I went on a 4-day vision fast—four days alone in the woods with no food or distractions. I did it in order to try to learn how to live again. I had seemed unable to move beyond the disorientation that followed the loss of my role at Heron Dance and my marriage. It felt like a flu of the heart and spirit.

Fran Weinbaum, my vision fast guide, had contacted me the year before in response to a interview I did of her teacher Meredith Little for Heron Dance. I had always been interested in vision fasts and decided that one day I would do one. As luck would have it, Fran was leading a fast just when I needed it. I created a website www.vermontvisionquest.com in exchange for Fran’s guidance on a 4-day vision fast. Two men also did the fast at the same time. The experience changed my life.

A few months ago, I was contacted by Karla Henderson who was in search of folks willing to be part of her research of vision quests. I agreed to respond to her questions because I want people to know more about vision quests. Here is her first question:

I’m interested to know how you first learned about vision questing. Also, what made you
decide to participate?

I am 43 year old woman who grew up Catholic. My parents were not spiritual or mystical; they were white-bread christians–good people who lived humbly and strove to live Jesus’s values. The world of spirituality was foreign to me and I judged most things as too “new-agey” for me. I thought people who explored Native American spirituality were in some fantasy world– wanna-be natives. At the same time I felt a hunger for something more than what Catholicism had served up for the first 14 years of my life.

It was this hunger that compelled me to buy a book I had never seen or heard of before called the Book of Vision Quest by Meredith Little and Steven Foster, from the School of Lost Borders. I read it nearly 10 years ago but did not feel like “people like me” got to do cool things like that. I felt outside of such possibilities. In 1995 I moved to Vermont, seemingly a world away from the climbing, skiing, biking world I had left in New Hampshire. After only three weeks in Vermont, I was invited to a women’s sacred circle called The Holy Women. It terrified me, but the women who welcomed me were too kind to resist. The experience of sitting in council with a group of women in a sacred space would profoundly alter my life. It was one member who gave me a book called Soul Retrieval by Sandra Ingerman came my way from a friend. I was fascinated by the idea of exploring this realm and decided to consult a shaman. Much was revealed to me through our journeying together.

My path during the next three years was filled with different experiences, books, and relationships that further opened me to the existence of a wisdom and perfection within me that I had not yet discovered. I referred to it as “my truth.” I was a person who had referenced her identity through her surroundings and relationships; I had always wanted to feel my own power, my own “self.”

In 2000 I joined Rod MacIver at a nonprofit journal called Heron Dance. Over time I became the editor and writer for the journal. Rod had interviewed Meredith Little and Steven Foster several times over the years and I had become completely absorbed in their work at the School of Lost Borders. It wasn’t until several years after Steven died that I interviewed Meredith for an issue I was doing on Loss that I came in contact with her directly. That interview shifted my view profoundly and her spirit infused me with a new dedication to my path.

Several years later, in 2006, after my marriage ended and along with it my tenure at Heron Dance, I received an email from a reader named Fran Weinbaum. She lived nearby and had loved my interview with Meredith and wanted to meet with me. During our meeting I discovered that she had been taught by Meredith and was now offering Vision Quest experiences in Vermont. A deep connection formed immediately between us and we became friends. At some point we decided on an exchange. I would design a website for her and she would guide me on a vision fast. When I made the commitment, I did not feel it was to be more than an exploration I could write about. I had no idea the power it would have.

After losing my husband, my work and the 34,000 readers I had been writing too, my house, dog, and my dream, I was struggling daily with depression and the shame that went with that. “Strong people don’t get depressed” is what I had believed. But here I was falling down a hole every day.. a hole that felt bottomless. I was disoriented and scared, trying to start my new business Soul Flares and trying to want to live. Friends and family suggested anti-depressants. Eventually, exhuasted by the daily struggle, I gave in and took Prozac for two days.

It was on the second day that I was in the woods for a pre-quest council with Fran and two other questers. We were there to set our intention and find our sites. My body was suffering from the Prozac. My head felt like it was being crushed by an elephant; I was dizzy. I felt only slightly aware of the woods and the people I was with. Fran led us into a meditation to envision our site and then sent us off to find it. I was surprised that my vision had been clear despite the pain in my head and as I was staggering around in the woods only a short while before I came upon it’s physically. It was perfect. I dropped on my knees, put my aching head to the ground and made a deal with Spirit: “I will do anything you want in exchange for my mental health. Anything but take these pills. Please show me another way.” The answer was clear. I was to spend an hour a day in the woods and consult the wisdom of every moment of the vision fast.

I have always attracted people into my life who know how to create a refuge and care for themselves so they can care for others. They are my best teachers. I wanted to share this email from a reader:

On Jan 25, 2008, at 1:20 PM, CHRISTY WHITE wrote:
Dear Annie,
Yes, it is hard for us as women to put ourselves first, to be the mother to ourselves when there is no mother. We are so driven to please others as well as to be indispensible that it comes as a surprise when the world keeps on going without us!

Last fall I worked 11 days straight, rarely moving from my new, ergonomic office chair. On the 11th day after work I went to see my beautiful horse and have some offline time. As I was cleaning his hooves I felt my lower back give out - something I had never experienced before. Turned out it was my sciatica nerve that was being pinched. I ended up flat on my back and working very little for about 2 weeks, then being very gentle with myself for another 6 weeks while my chiropracter did much of the structural adjusting work.

I joke with my friends and family that by hurting my back that way, I actually got a backbone! There were so many “No’s” I had to say because I had no room in my life to take care of anyone or anything except me. On one day a friend that is used to me saying “Yes” asked me if he could come and have me do some computer work for him. I hesitantly said I would. But about 5 minutes after I hung up the phone I thought, “What am I thinking?!? I don’t have the energy to take care of him right now! I can barely take care of me!” I’m really proud of myself that I called him back and very gently and firmly told him that. He was, of course, surprised, but later told me that it showed him how emotionally strong I was becoming.

It has taken me nearly 54 years to get to this place of strength and knowledge. In that time I have given myself away over and over again, gone through a terrible break up, had to put myself back together, and still didn’t get it until this last fall. How wonderful LIFE is to give us these lessons that we can survive!!

Love and blessings,
Christy White
Cave Creek, AZ

And here is my response:

Dear Christy,

Thank you for this letter. Some people seem to come into this world with that kind of “backbone” you speak of and they have to learn how to soften and give. Others are the opposite.

I relate so much to your words, especially the part: “What am I thinking?!? I don’t have the energy to take care of him right now! I can barely take care of me!”

This is something I have to remind my partner of all the time. He is beginning to understand that by not giving him 1/2 of me, he gets a full 100% of me later.. and 100% of ME is really something worth waiting for!

Big love to you,

I’ve been told more than once that I think too much. Indeed, this has been a year of reflection, of examining my patterns in relationship: with money, with men, with my kids, with myself. It has been a year of facing my own saboteurs - those voices of our superego that try to keep us in line. I HAVE done a lot of thinking, more than a wild soul ought to. But, I believe that when the big crises of our lives come along, we must look bravely at the truth of ourselves, the best we can; learn the lessons we find; and then let it go.

In response to my Letters from an Open Heart today. I received this thoughtful letter from a reader:

hey Annie….I am glad you are feeling better. but, you know what? as touching as your note to us was today, I was struck with the horrible realization that you are still BLAMING YOURSELF!! you blamed yourself for ignoring the signs your body were giving you and seem to believe that you called all this shit down upon yourself by being so driven and “other” oriented. You think too much, girl!! Don’t you realize that this is a random crap shoot, this world! Shit happens!! You need to forgive yourself BIG TIME and your mantra needs to be “follow your impulses, Annie; you are a GREAT, good person!” it really is simple.
and by the way: YOU DID NOT LOOSE “EVERYTHING” not by a long shot!!! you still have more of everything than the average Joe, and why isn’t that good enough!
get a grip, stop thinking so much, LOVE YOURSELF and follow your heart!!!

much love,
S-

I responded:

Dear S,

Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts to me.

I love the fierce spirit of your words and the real desire for me to be happy.

Know that I don’t feel blame for myself. I feel the fire of clarity and purpose that comes with looking things in the face.

Change for me does not happen when I say “shit happens” it comes when I examine and reflect, learn from the event and then…let it go. It’s like Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

That being said, remember that I write these 2 x a month…In between the thinking I do for each one I live A LOT! I play, hike, make love, laugh, cook, giggle, zone out, watch movies, etc, etc.

I don’t feel either that I have called anything upon myself… but I have had difficulty breaking out of a pattern of living for “other.” This email celebrates me saying good bye to that.

And finally, “losing everything” is what it feels like, not what actually happens. Of course I have soooo much. The point is our PERCEPTION of a thing. When we are down in the dumps, crying our eyes out.. it does feels like we lost everything. Then one day we recognize we have actually gained a tremendous amount, and HAVE always had always so much just by being alive.

I guess I don’t believe this is a random crap shoot either. So..I don’t want to miss any of the lessons.

Much love to you. I deeply appreciate your honesty.

Annie

I wrote a poem inspired by the book 2012: Return to Quetzelcoatl. Please use the comments to add, edit, re-write or respond.

Suspend Doubt

the unknowable presses up from under the weight
of serious men and women of science and industry
who trust only the measurable
who run down the mysteries for dissection
and quick dissemination
in scientific journals

the unknowable calls from in between
the press of reason and holiness
squeezing its subtle call into our ears
while we sit stunned by a sunset
that interrupted our commute
and broke through our sleep
with its beauty

how long can we ignore the magic that resides
one switch beyond what our minds can now fathom?
we simply evolve beyond the borders
that separate possible from impossible.
we suspend doubt and envision a
different way.

- Annie